mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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