just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
