so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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