My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
