The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
