Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
