Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
