can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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