Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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