you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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