I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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