just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
