I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
