I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
