I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Couch. On fire.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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