if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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