If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
