Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
