I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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