the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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