The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
