You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
