and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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