so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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