I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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