i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
