he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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