After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
