I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
