They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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