It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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