If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize