It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
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The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
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last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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