I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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