i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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