Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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