Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
