p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
