planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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