all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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