How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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