She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
