I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
