I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize