If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We're too hungover to prance.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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