I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
