I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
