WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
