i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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