I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
