How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
