there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
