Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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