I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
