she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
