Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
