This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
