I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
