saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
im six kinds of drunk right now
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
