We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
