Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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