I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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