So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
that may or may not have been my penis.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
