I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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