I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
