There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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